Monday, December 15, 2008

I (Don't) Suck

Lately I've been wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and by lately I mean since first grade. I overcame being the geeky runt. Actually it just became somewhat cool to be a nerd. I amassed a host of skills in a variety of fields and I still feel like a faker who has suckered everyone into believing that I'm competent.

Most of the time being a jack of all trades is pretty handy. My rudimentary, self taught knowledge of everything I can get my hands on is often enough to get out of a jam. But every time I find myself working with professionals who have a single field I just can't get away from the feeling that I'm just a poser.

I've drywalled a few dozen houses but when I mud with guys who've done nothing else for twenty years, I'm not up to snuff. I've been wiring houses since I was twelve but working side by side with a union electrician just makes me look like some country bumpkin who kind of knows what wires do. And even sound work, which is apparently what I was put on this Earth by God to do, is just another example of something I taught myself to do and my knowledge base is sorely lacking when I get next to the big dogs.

I shouldn't complain, but for a guy who's never really been sure of himself it's a real mind fuck to have to try and eke out some semblance of psychological balance when the input I get is so widely differing. One week I'm hearing, "Man! You're the best sound guy I ever met!" and the next I'm getting machine gunned with criticism from a real engineer. "Our house looks so great." gets followed by "The room looks like shit". What's worse is getting the you-don't-matter brush off. The why-don't-you-go-sweep-or-something.

The thing that is really, actually bothering me is the project at work. It's about a 1500 square foot remodel that we had two months to do. The house crew is comprised almost entirely of guys that used to be in business for themselves in their respective trades. Brought in to speed things along are half a dozen union guys. The brass keep making changes and moving up the deadline while nobody's actually in charge up on the floor. Everybody's in everybody else's way, we're constantly backing up and re-doing. The union guys think their shit doesn't stink and that we're a bunch of hayseeds that should really be off plunging toilets and changing light bulbs.

The mad house I've been working in for six weeks is such a far cry from the well ordered method that I usually go about doing things that there's nothing to do but laugh at the impossible situations that we keep working ourselves into. The slogan the house guys keep telling the frustrated union guys is, "Hey... it is what it is." There's nothing for it but to just hack into the mess and try and get it done on time. The more grim they get the sillier we get, under the motto: Just laughin' to keep from cryin'.

Well, I think I may be feeling the tiniest bit better for having vented my spleen, thanks for sticking with me. Whatever it is you're doing this week, do it well... the first time. Somebody should.

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2 comments:

  1. dont be hard on your self i look up to you you have thought me a lot and thanks
    side note i got a new comp so i blog more know haha

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  2. i'm sure know how hard it is to come by a good sound guy.. my brother is one (not his profession.. just what he's good at), so i've got an idea. ;)

    i know how you feel though, i struggle with insecurity and feelings of 'i'm not good enough' all the time.

    i'm just glad i found a way to keep writing.. it's the one thing i've ALWAYS been good at. at the end of the day, i may feel like a horrible wife, and a craptastic mom.. but i can see my writing and say 'at least i've got that down!' lol..

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