Monday, October 27, 2008

How To Smoke Out A Skunk

I spent some time this Sunday afternoon pursuing my manly duty to rid the house of stinky creatures. We're pretty attached to the kids so I moved down the list to the skunk that may or may not have taken up residence under our porch. We had a couple prowling around a few weeks ago when we had an excess of trash waiting to be picked up, and people were sighting them daily as they scurried around in their final preparations for winter. No way were we having one for a house guest so I planned my operation. Here are my fine-tuned instructions on how to smoke out a critter.

  1. Get something that will smolder but not burn. A rolled up newspaper will give you about twenty minutes of smoke, depending on how tightly you roll it and how prolific the writers of your weekend section are.
  2. Get a fan to propel the smoke into the critter's den. I'd recommend a small $3 fan from the dollar store as it's going to get pretty gunked up.
  3. Decide what you're going to do with the critter when it comes coughing up out of it's little hidey-hole. In the case of a skunk you want to high tail it at the first sounds of movement. For all other critters it depends of your position on animal cruelty and the availability of humane traps or ammo. Your call. Just don't get bitten.
  4. Fire safety. It is of vital importance that you keep from doing things like burning your house down or starting a forest fire. Critters like dried vegetation so any stray embers that get in there have the potential to make things exciting for both of you. For Pete's sake have fire gear on hand! Fire extinguisher, hose, water bucket, blanket, shovel, any and all of these, whatever it takes man.
  5. Place your fan, light your smolder-able material and commence to make life miserable for that little bugger. If he's in there, he's not stayin.
  6. Most animals that are interested in burrowing under your porch are nocturnal. So if you do this in the afternoon and don't get any results, adhere strictly to the following sub-routine:
    1. Pack up your gear.
    2. Head back into the house.
    3. Declare loudly that you've taken care of the little bugger.
    4. Find a good place to take a nap.
    5. Plan a way to sneak back out after dark and repeat steps 1-6 above without anyone noticing.
And that is how you demonstrate yourself to be the master of the animal kingdom that you are. Tune in next week when I'll explain in detail how to kill an entire six pack afternoon troubleshooting problems with your wife's car.

Addition: There probably never was a skunk under there, at least not for very long. The cats likely made him nervous enough to gas the area and high tail it out of there to look for a safer porch to winter under. The cats (God bless 'em) didn't get any on 'em this time.

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  1. I can only imagine, glad the bugger vacated.

  2. oh, but it didn't.
    there is no vacation here.


Keep it clean...