Sunday, September 14, 2008

What The Hell Am I Doing?

Jon Dayton's Facebook profileI've become completely addicted to Facebook over the last couple weeks. (BTW, click over there and add me if you're on, let me know you're a reader. I've got Flair for you!) Anyway, the pros of catching up with tons of people I haven't seen in at least a decade are (so far) outweighing the cons of being inundated with craplications that seek to clutter my page and eat my life.

The only down side is that it's making me examine my life in terms that I haven't really considered in quite a long time. Of my four closest friends from my college days, three live in NYC, two are total industry heavy hitters, and none of them are working day jobs to support their production habit.

Maybe it's just that day job thing that's getting me down. For the first time in my life I'm no longer able to schedule my work around my shows. When I was self-employed times two I could do that. But I guess now the need for security outweighs the need to feel like I'm in control of anything.

I do still live in my favorite house on my favorite street in the whole wide world. I do still get to go out and do some shows where I'm widely respected and validated by my peers. And it's some small consolation, but at the rate I'm going, I'll only be a month into my fifty-first year when my (as-yet-to-be-born) fourth child goes off to college. None of my NYC buddies can say that. It's a long slog to that distant time when my time will be my own again, but hey... it's something.

I guess the thing I'm really choking on is letting go of self-employment. Maybe it's just my ego getting bruised, but it's a sad parting to let go of being a guy who goes to rock shows for a living and runs a construction company on the side to being a maintenance man who does shows when he's not needed at work. It is a cherry job. Everybody I've told about it so far has been saying things like, "Oooh, that's good work." and, "Are they looking for anyone else?" The job did seem to fall into my lap directly from Heaven so I guess I should quit my bitching.

Ah well, here's to my life in the distant future. Just a short couple decades and the kids will be gone, the house will be paid off, and I can re-do the floors and start to buy some nice things to put in it. Shit... that sounds like I don't appreciate those guys at all. Don't misunderstand me on this. My children are amazing. Ask anyone who knows them. I'm more than happy to be investing my time and effort on them right now because they're likely to re-shape the world when they get their sticky little mitts on it. I guess I just need to get my head out of my ass and go back to work.

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  1. I don't think anyone thinks you are a bad dad, I think everyone in our age bracket that has kids is struggling with the same reality....and that is....where did the time go, when did my crazy college days become my changing poopie diaper days, and not being able to sleep past 7AM, wasn't it just yesterday that I couln't even drag my self out of bed by noon. I also think alot of the time (especially when you have had one of those nights laying on the short peoples floor) that we comtimplate what our lives would be like had we not taken the road we are currently riding down! What if we had decided not to get married, what if we had decided not to have all our children by the time we were 30.....then we beat ourself up for even thinking those thoughts.....I think I need to transfer this to my blog for a good long thought provoking post!

  2. It's not that I think I'm a bad dad, and I don't resent the kids for the effect they've had on my life. It's just mostly frustrating that to live where I want to live precludes doing what I love, at least full time. It's nigh on to vomit inducing to imagine living somewhere where I could do production work full time. Nothing is worth moving out from under the maples of Church Street. It's the same thing that Miss O is experiencing at kindergarten: limited decision making. Somebody else is in charge and that's a new way of life for me after close to 20 years of strapping on a toolbelt for someone I'm related to. Wow, I think I might need a full length post too.


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