Saturday, August 30, 2008

Next Killer App From Apple

I was standing in my back yard last night with some friends. We were having a beer and looking at the cabbages in my garden. The question on the table was, "Is there a machine that can pick cabbages?" If there is, it must be pretty expensive, cause we only ever see migrant workers picking cabbages. We decided to invent a cheaper cabbage harvester. That way our evening wouldn't be wasted if we had something to show for our back yard idleness. Tossin' back a few wouldn't be a total waste of time if we could provide the world with a cost effective method for harvesting cabbages.

The best we could do was a machine that would scoop them up and pass them off to people who would then take off those pesky loose leaves, leaving the pure, clean cabbages ready to go to market. It was basically an over sized corn picker with chairs on it for migrant workers. OK, OK, so we didn't come up with an engineering marvel, but at least those poor guys could have a seat and get a little shade over em. (What did you expect... it was pretty late to come up with a true marvel of engineering.)

So we gave up on that and turned instead to the infinitessimal. The media have been crowing about nanotechnology for years and so far the best we've heard of is some advances in high tech materials that lead to incremental improvements in stuff that we already have. So, yay... microfiber golf shirts benefit, and electrochemical double layer capacitors are hard at work in the regenerative braking systems of Prius-es everywhere.

Where are the freaking nano-bots already?!

It's been a pretty long time since Rick Moranis starred in a little screen jem called Inner Space, with another dude cruising his innards in a microscopic submarine. Popular mechanics has been printing articles about tiny robots that will be able to wander the convoluted byways of our bloodstreams and help out our immune systems and stuff.

So where the hell are they already?

We went into the shop to see about taking matters into our own hands. After a significant ammount of time spent on some solid theory and engineering problems, we decided that we just weren't going to be able to get it done with the tools on hand. So, we packaged up our extensive research and e-mailed it to Steve Jobs.

Popular Mechanics was touting pocket computers with crazy interconnectivity decades ago. So now that the iPhone is out, that's pretty well sewed up. We figured with all the luck Apple has been having revolutionizing personal technology, they were the perfect folks to get nano-robots on the market, and not just to fancy pants technology companies either. They need to be on sale at Target and soon.

So, with our ideas resting snug in an in-box somewhere at Apple headquarters, I feel confident in saying that it won't be long now before you'll be seeing uber-hip ads on TV for iBots - the new injectable prouct from Apple. And you know Steve Jobs is going to totally beat the pants off of anybody else working on a similar product. iBots are going to make other nano-robots look like cassette walkmen sitting next to an iPod Touch (if there even are any... I'm so fed up with scientists right now!) You can bet iBots will not only totally kick the sub-microscopic asses of any other little bots on the scene, have half a dozen features that you never even knew you needed (I mean needed) and on top of it all be sexy, cause you know Steve Jobs makes some sexy products. I don't know how you make machines that are smaller than a chromasome look sexy, but I have full confidence that the iBots will be the absolute envy of the industry, completely untouchable on the cool factor.

It may be a little premature to be posting this to the web. Of course Apple will have to first deny that they're even working on nano-bots. I'll probably get sued over it, but it's going to be totally worth it when I come home with that sexy little white box. I'll fill the little syringe with millions of sexy little sub-atomic robots and poke up like a junkie. Then I'll sit back and relax while those little guys star bustin a groove and working their magic on my innards. Stuff like:
  • Scouring my arteries to help prevent heart disease.
  • Repairing my liver from any damage during my college days
  • Aiding my memory with gigabytes of their own
  • Giving me x-ray vision
  • Allowing me to listen to Motorhead through my central nervous system
Yeah... it's gonna be pretty sweet.

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    copyright infringement...

    I have been trying to talk Sarah into getting one of these for a long time.

  2. OK, it's a pretty cool wheelchair that allows the user to climb stairs and waltz with ease. But there's no way in hell that a wheelchair is sexier than tiny robots that can repair my cells and transmit Motorhead directly to my temporal lobe. So Steve Jobs has to buy out another company to use the name... nothing must stand in the way of the army of sexy, sub-atomic robots from Apple!


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