Saturday, July 26, 2008

Which One Are You?

When I was in college, we came up with a classification system for types of girls based loosely on which member of the band or tech crew they would be most likely to date. This was mostly for amusement, but over time and with a little refining has proven to be a fairly accurate system for getting across what someone is like.

Example:

Hey man, did you meet that new chick that Dave's been hanging around with?

No, what's she like?

Total bass player's girlfriend.

Wow dude, sounds like he lucked out.


So here's a brief outline of the classification system. You may find it useful if you can get enough of your friends in on it. While we've never adapted the system to apply to men, it may be that it works for them as well. There may need to be a separate system for the guys though, so any female readers that have ideas, please post them.

Disclaimer
This is all strictly tongue in cheek. If you're offended I don't want to hear about it.
  • Drummer's Girlfriend - Generally very sweet and dedicated. Not always the brightest, but hey... it's drummers we're talking about. The drummer's girl often has a keen eye for fashion and will run toward the glamorous if this is the case. Earthy types are also not uncommon. For some reason his girl will have an uncanny attraction for the rest of the band, hence the large number of bands that break up due to the old slept-with-the-drummer's-girlfriend scenario.
  • Bass Player's Girlfriend - Bass players tend to date the dark, mysterious types. If there's a girl in the room with more than the average number of piercings and tattoos, there's a good chance she's with the bass player. They tend to be more independent, free thinking and have solid opinions. This makes them great in conversation and also in arguments. Not at first easily detectable is the downfall of this type, baggage, baggage, baggage.
  • Rhythm Guitar Player's Girlfriend - The rhythm player is typically not the Alpha Male in the group and so tends to miss out on the really spectacular dates. His girl will often rank a lot lower on the beauty scale, but make up for it by being more comfortable in her own skin.
  • Lead Guitar Player's Girlfriend - The lead player (if separate from the Lead Singer) is likely to get the hotties with little or nothing between the ears. This is a girl who isn't looking for Mr. Right, but Mr. Right Now. Typical behavior involves short relationships due to hot tempers on her part or to him messing around with the Drummer's Girlfriend.
  • Lead Singer's Girlfriend - As the Alpha Male, the Lead Singer tends to get the cream of the crop. Typically suffering from Stage Four L.S.D. (Lead Singers' Disease) they nearly always snag the beautiful yet shallow types who fall for assholes. See also: Lead Guitar Player's Girlfriend.
  • Keyboard Player's Girlfriend - Keyboard players are essentially the monks of the music scene. Celibacy is the order of the day, although there have been occasional (unconfirmed) reports of keyboard players getting dates.
  • Roadie's Girlfriend - If you see the guy in a leather vest with no shirt underneath pushing boxes on stage, look for the girl to match. Enough said.
  • Lighting Guy's Girlfriend - There are two types in this category. The first closely resembles the Rhythm Player's Girlfriend. The second is likely to be a spitfire with a brain and an opinion, easily differentiated from the Bass Player's Girlfriend by the lower number of piercings and tattoos. Not to be confused with girls who date theatrical lighting designers.
  • Sound Guy's Girlfriend - The Sound Guy is either a total schmuck, in which case look for him to be accompanied by girls from the Rhythm Player or Roadie category. Otherwise look for the girl with understated good looks who has her shit together. She may easily be mistaken for the Stage Manager as she will be mothering the rest of the band to keep the show on the road. Do NOT cross the Soundguy's Girlfriend, the "Suck" knob on that mixer is just a fingertip away.

I'm interested to see what type of people read my blog, so take the survey in the sidebar. To include male votes, let's assume that the hypothetical musicians can be either male or female, depending on your own gender/preference/etc.

7 comments:

  1. Hee hee hee .. (still wiping away tears of laughter). You are SO right! But I'm in a bit of a pickle, having been both a drummer's AND lead singer's girlfriend. Hm m m m Ok, Yoda - what does that make ME? ; )

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  2. Mmmmm hmmm hmm (Yoda-speak) think you must as to which you most generally resemble.

    (Yoda not speaking anymore) It's only a very broad set of categories, you could easily be in two at different times, or even at the same time.

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  3. Amanda9:31 PM

    I love this entry.......having never dated a band member I'm not sure where I fall...but I think I may be a sound guys girlfriend.

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  4. Ok, I've been the drummer's girlfriend, but clearly, I was supposed to be the lighting guy's gf, perhaps THAT explains my misery?

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  5. This is proving to be too tough a question. Thinking back there was a point where I was a bass player, lighting guy AND sound guy simultaneously. That might explain why I was failing to get the sound guy's gf types. I was eyeing all the lighting gf types and winding up with the bass player's gf types, and yeah... the drummer's gf once or twice. It didn't break up the band though.

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  6. What a funny post. I have to send this link to my younger sister who has always had a SERIOUS THING for musicians.....especially drummers. I voted for the lead guitarist myself before I read the post just because I sing and always need a lead musician dude.....but I hope that doesn't indicate that I am dumb!

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  7. dude.. i'm totally a bass player's girlfriend. ;)

    but i knew that before even reading it, cause i'm so smart that i knew EXACTLY where you were going with this.

    i'm also the girl all the drummers WANT to date. :P

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Keep it clean...